Love Means Saying You're Sorry Over and Over Again...

One day during my college years a good friend asked me to a movie. She had to see it. Now wouldn’t you know the weatherman was correct and there was an icy wintry mix that froze my nose and fingers just walking from the car. The ticket line before us twisted and turned like a giant jump rope. This had to be a mistake … as my friend elbowed me toward it. Ah, true friendship.

Two hours of waiting and two hours of viewing and I was ready to launch from my seat. But sentiment around me differed. People were standing and clapping. Some others were sobbing. My friend included. I didn’t get it. I rubbed my cheek in frustration. The theme song played in my head of the actual movie titled "Love Story,” repeating over and over, “Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry.”

My insides were hopping and I wanted to yell, “I object!” This logic repelled like rain on a on a waterproofed windshield. Why? Because love does means having to say you’re sorry, over and over again. And not just mouthing empty words but to offer remorse with genuine sincerity. We’re looking at an earnest effort to repair a relationship. This takes focus and diligence because expressing an apology can be tough. One has to dig deep into inner strength, or a personal faith base or even both.

I have been married for almost forty years—I can hardly believe it—to a wonderful man. He is kind, respectful and most appreciative. And the clamoring of four pairs of thumping feet didn’t derail us. Yet the daily challenges hit us head on, so much to consider, so much to figure. As two very different people, we often didn’t view situations the same way. There were times our marital dance was so awkward we stepped all over each other. A tear was threatening our woven life tapestry. Wayward threads begged mending. The words, “I’m sorry,” needed to be played to tighten the weave and regain our sweetness.

Reconciling a breach in relationship is powerful stuff. This restoration can involve an individual that has been hurt and seeks to reconcile. It can also consider an offender who has violated the relationship and is seeking forgiveness—that is, if both parties are ready to amend or even recognize the need. If so, there is focus on a pardon to grant mercy; unearned favor to excuse an offense. The optimal result is to be released from that upset and be set free.

Witnessing such reconciliation can happen anywhere—in the marketplace, at work, social gatherings and most often at home. We must realize that we are imperfect beings embracing differing agendas. There are often times when these differences trespass a relationship which can cause injury, especially in a relationship where there is both commitment and investment.

In the counseling chair was Mr. Smith—a composite character—who was waiting anxiously to begin the session. No pretentiousness here as inner turmoil spilled out in his appearance. His sport shirt was missing buttons, his jeans tattered and soiled. Mr. Smith was probably in his early middle years, yet the deep wrinkles on his face belied this. The real giveaway was in his eyes. Colored deep sepia they were sorrowfully nestled in craters of forlorn. He opened his mouth to speak and a profound sigh filled the air. Finally the words circled and left his lips, resonating off the walls. “I am terribly hurt. So hurt that my insides ache. Problem is; I don’t think she even knows it.” The details then poured out.

Mr. Smith began cautiously, but soon indignation fueled his story. His wife worked for a major company while he was a stay-at-home dad, helping the kids and doing everything else. Mrs. Smith was the big-shot breadwinner while he filled his day with endless demeaning tasks. While they initially considered this a good arrangement after he had lost his job, he now had serious regrets. Their lives seemed to have been swept away. Yes, they had money again, but they hardly spent any time together. Each day melted into the next and they were drifting apart from one another.

The dance began. Mr. Smith confronted his wife, saying that she did not listen to him or appreciate all his efforts. Mrs. Smith balked, blaming him for all the tension. And she also felt a lack of respect for all she had accomplished, both at work and at home.

Hostilities mounted. They had reached an impasse.

Both Mr. and Mrs. Smith were invited to the office. At first Mrs. Smith resisted but later acquiesced. They resumed their quarreling within the counseling walls. Efforts to communicate, forgive, and alter destructive relational patterns were painfully slow. Then came the tipping point. Mr. Smith waved his surrender flag and Mrs. Smith was ready to grab it, mount her stallion and ride off. Except there was one unanswered question—did they still love each other?

There was an interminable pause. As Mr. and Mrs. Smith nodded in agreement, the real work began; leaving behind personal affront and embracing heartfelt forgiveness. There was a desire for a fresh start; to depart from the old behavior and establish something new.

Yes, saying you’re sorry isn’t easy. Love does indeed mean saying you’re sorry again, and again. But the more it is voiced and heard, the sweeter the relationship can be. Then a couple can turn to one another and gaze into each other’s eyes ... and smile.

... and that’s how I live it.

To review additional case studies, locate my book on line on either Barnes and Noble or Amazon; Paid in Chocolate, Tales from a Counselor’s Chair.